Dedication to Anthony James Payne's Comment Board

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Lisalisa patterson

Nov 28, 2009 10:35 PM

Hi Anthony, Well Shawn and I just got home from camping at San Clemente Beach for the weekend. Gary and the other boys will come home tomorrow. We made it through Thanksgiving and my heart seemed to be full of all of our Thanksgivings 'past'. I called Amber on the way to the beach just to say and to tell her that I had been reminiscing about Thanksgiving 2 years ago. That was when the two of you came home. I remember all of your phone calls when you were so frustrated because after that long drive, you were stuck in Pasadena traffic. I also remember that I felt relieved because that gave me more time to get everything ready for you and Amber (cleaning, shopping, anticipating). When I called Amber she said that she was doing the same thing...remembering. That was such a good Thanksgiving. While camping I found an old notebook that we use to keep score when we play cards. I looked through it wondering...just wondering...YES! I found some notes from our trip in Lake Tahoe when you were there. I also found a short note that you and Shawn had wrote to each other. Fun brotherly love. Shawn wrote, "Anthony is gay and is in love with Christian." Anthony wrote, "Anthony is incredible tough and will beat Shawn up and take his girlfriend." That made me smile and Shawn seemed to be taken back to the time you and he shared that fun. I felt that God blessed us with yet another treasure from you. I find myself looking at things like this.."The last time we were in this motorhome, Anthony was alive" or the last time we played cards together, "Anthony was alive". It seems that your death is the bookmark that separates so much of my life if that makes sense. I miss you so much. I wish we could just catch up with eachother. I love you. I leave for a cruise tomorrow for one week. Hoping to find more treasures of you there.
Je$$!c@Jessica Yip

Nov 26, 2009 3:07 AM

Morning Brother. =)  I miss you.  Thanksgiving is just 2 days away... and it always makes me think of friends and family, and naturally you're at the top of my list.  I'm willing to bet, that the turkey you have this year... is the best!  Plenty of seconds, thirds, and leftovers for weeks.  Finally moved and settled into the new house up in Pollock, which is only a short distance from the neighborhood you used to live in with Lea.  The area makes me think of you...  Always thinking of you...
Lisalisa patterson

Nov 24, 2009 7:08 AM

To my precious and missed son, Anthony...We are soon approaching our 2nd Thanksgiving without you. I have heard from some friends that the 2nd round of holidays can be harder than the first. I guess just so much realization of the changes in all of our lives. I am realizing however that though life can be very difficult, we still have so much to be thankful for. We have each other and we also were blessed with almost 24 years with Anthony. So many memories were created and now etched in our hearts forever. Ryan turned 23 on November 22...missing him also (in a different way of course). I have been able to go see Ryan every Saturday which has been very nice. This year we are going camping with Gary's family for Thanksgiving. I am leaving Sunday for a week long cruise. I'm looking forward to that although wishing my family could all come with me. I hope to get further along in developing this talk for the retreat in March. Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving Anthony. I bet the feast this year for you will be awesome. I love you and miss you so much. I think about you all of the time and this year...I'm grateful for the years God gave you to us. I'm also thankful that we shared a very special relationship. I'm thankful that you knew how much I loved you and I know how much you loved me. I'm thankful that our family has stayed strong through this storm and that the bonds that hold us together are strong enough to endure even loss. I'm thankful for the many things that you continue to teach me about life. I very thankful that I will see you again someday.
Kayla Kayla Braswell

Nov 24, 2009 6:50 AM

Hi Anthony,
It has been far too long since my last visit. I apologize. My internet has been down for quite some time now. I can't believe Christmas is just around the corner. Life has been hectic, but making it through day by day. I think I may be getting another tattoo soon. It's going to say, "Life is a Journey, Not a destination". I'm very excited.You're still always on my mind. I miss you my dear friend.

With Love,
Kayla
Lisalisa patterson

Nov 16, 2009 12:29 AM

Even though I have been silent for awhile, I'm still here and I still love going to Anthony's page everyday. I have been spending every free second working on my new talk for the women's retreat in March. I have to have my material in by January so I'm working away on it. This talk will primarily be about this part of my journey; losing my precious son and how God has been and continues to work through this devastation. This talk is very close to my heart so pray God's perfect Words in sharing it.
The holidays are soon approaching and once again I feel that heaviness that our Thanksgiving and Christmas' are very different now. Though I know that our family still has so much to be thankful for...I still miss my boy and watching him mow through the mounds of food on his plate. Also Christmas was one of Anthony's favorite times I think. It brings my heart joy to think that he is spending his Christmas' with Jesus now, but still wish he were here with us. As of now the court date is still set for Dec. 18. I will post if I find out anything different.
Charlene, when is Hawaii again? I leave on my cruise on Nov. 29 through Dec. 6. Its a tough time to go on a cruise but maybe that is just what I need.
April, I have been thinking so much about you and hope to see Molly soon. Her pictures are beautiful (like her mommy).
The air is cooler now...Fall holds so many memories for me. I think it was Anthony's favorite time of the year, although he was like me...our favorite season is all of them. Fall is just full of memories (as is Winter, Spring and Summer) :)
The boys are all doing well..looking at colleges for Shawn now..amazing how fast time goes by!
Love to you all
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Nov 15, 2009 6:27 AM

So silent we all are now.  It does not mean that our love has gotten less it just means that life has gotten us again.  Remember to stay connected this my space was created for that too.  Thankyou all for your storys it so helps to stay connected to you all.
Saw you at Apple hill Amber,  I look at the steps behind the store and remember meeting you for the first time. I am glad I was there for Anthonys con on you. To get you. Just sorry at the end of the story. Apple Hill, High Hill, still has the best carmel apples....
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Nov 9, 2009 4:30 AM

Just wanted to say I miss you!!
DANK.SMASH

Oct 27, 2009 11:37 PM

misss u tony... ready lisas hallowen story reminded me of one of the times u were at my house and found a scream mask, and i told u how i alwasy scare ken... and u pretty much did the same thing tricked ken to go out side and hid and chased him all down the block while hes screamming and crying. lol love u tony. missss u soo much more. love ur fav cuz. MUAH
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Oct 27, 2009 11:37 PM

I could just picture that. I actually remember anthony told me that story. Ha. He loved to scare the crap outta me all the time too. Esp when we moved into our apt. Right when i got off work he would have to go to his drug class so i would be @ home wit music on cookin dinner or doin laundry and he would get out early and come home. And i wouldnt be expectin him for a lil bit longer so i got me every time. Lol. One time i was in the closet hangin up clothes tho and he jumped in and screamed and scared me and i turned around and hit him wit the hanger i had in my hand as hard as i could before i even realized what was going on. I think i suprised him too. Lol. It was hilarious afterwards tho. Only cuz i finally got him back in some way. Lol.
Lisalisa patterson

Oct 23, 2009 12:59 AM

Wow! Halloween Stories? Hmmmm, which one should I share? I know....Anthony being the oldest brother always took great pride in carrying out his big brother role, especially the one of tormenting his brothers every chance he could..(He always did it in love however) :). Anyways, Anthony owned a very 'real' looking gorilla mask and it just so happened that Christian and Shawn were terrified of "King Kong". Every time Anthony was trying to get a rise out of them, he would pound on the walls or have Ryan bang on the doors, and Anthony would scream "It's King Kong" and Shawn and Christian would bolt to where ever I was. One night, Anthony took the boys to a Buddist Temple which was directly behind our house. They (Anthony, Ryan, Shawn, and Christian) climbed the wall and Anthony told Shawn and Christian that they had to stay there and be as quiet as they could. Well the boys were very young and just standing alone in the dark in the back of a Buddist Temple could be frightening enough, but not enough for Anthony. Ryan and him hopped back over the fence and left the boys there. When they returned (a few seconds later) Ryan stayed in the back ground making all of the scary noises while Anthony hopped back over the fence wearing his King Kong mask. Of course, Shawn and Christian probably are scarred for life from the episode. Anthony usually liked to hang out with the girls whenever our church had their annual "Hallulujah" party. As he got older, I remember how fun he was when he passed out the candy to all of the trick or treaters. He was always so good with kids. Macho man himself told little girls and boys how 'cute' they looked or pretended to be frightened by their scary costumes. I miss him so much! I would give anything to have him help us pass out candy this year, or even better to open the front door with him standing there saying "TRICK OR TREAT"
Sure do love you son and missing you like crazy :) MOM
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Oct 22, 2009 1:11 AM

Ok we needs somemore storys.......how about some pumpkin storys or how about holloween storys.......We are going to have to remove the cross on the side of the road. Not sure if we will be allowed to move it furthur back on Boa Vista's property.  We will have to ask.  I do not think I have any storys of the kids on holloween. Do not believe I ever had Anthony or Ryan.
I can tell you for me when I was a kid I would have the most candy out of our family.....but when my brothers would go to sleep I would go steal my favorits from them.....I was such a perfect sister....lol
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Oct 20, 2009 12:39 AM

It is always sad to see Lisa and Gary leave. Like taking a part the part of Anthony that is left with you. If that makes any sence.  Raining today. Monday the 19. Soon to be Nov!!! how unreal. I still think our DA stinks on so much of thier reasoning, Oh Well justis comes in many forms and may not be ours for now. It just seems that thier are so many chance meetings with people from all over that keep going back to Our Boy. Lisa you need to tell about the one in your resent travels.
Love to you all, Gma Charlene
Rachel............................................Emlay....................Got Fox's phone number.....lol
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Oct 8, 2009 4:12 AM

How funny Lisa that he would so want to charge you! HOw like Anthony. You will have to tells us more on why Texas is so special and why this group is so special. You know that you are just as special as any of these ladys. Well in my eyes anyway.  You have a giving heart and that is very special. Nothing really new here for me. Going to go to Hawaii in December with Jack. Going to Kawaii Island and will get to see where my brother Lees' ashes are. This year I will release three flowere layes, one for Ray, Lee, and then Anthony.  I release two a few years ago when we where in Ohwah.
Happy Birthday to Smash....
Happy Baby born to Rachel....
Happy Weekend to all.
Gma Charlene
Lisalisa patterson

Oct 7, 2009 4:16 AM

Hi Anthony. Well today turned out to be quite a special day for me...the best I've had in quite some time. The Women's ministry at church asked me to be a part of a team of 4 to go to Dallas, Texas in January. While there I will get to hang out with the Women of Faith speaking team. It is an all expense paid trip and I just can't even express how excited I am. I love all of the speakers on the Women of Faith team and to think that I will get to meet them just absolutely blows me away. Who says that God doesn't make dream come true.
I spoke with our women's pastor last week and I think in just a very short time, I will be able to start a support group for parent's that have suffered loss of a precious child. Anthony, you have given me so much to be proud of in this life and you have added to all that I look forward to in our future life in heaven. I can't wait to see you again.
The boys and I watched your video together tonight. It is Gary's and my 8th year anniversary. I remember our wedding day so well. You actually let your hair grow just for me when I asked you too. I remember how fast you got out of your tux and how mad I was because you changed into that ugly Mudvayne shirt...not really made just thought you looked so handsome in your tux. I also remember on the money dance when people were in line to dance with me and they put a little money in a special bag as a gift to the bride and groom, remember how funny it was because you wanted me to pay you to dance with me. You were such a brat sometimes...nevertheless you did dance with me and you did it for free. I will remember that dance forever and have pictures to prove it. I love you son. I miss you so very much!
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Oct 6, 2009 3:32 AM

Hey anthony. Just thinkin about you as usual and wanted to say good morning. I was just rememberin how funny you looked in your diving gear. Haha. Your big belly and no butt tryin to hold up the weights. Lol. Cracks me up everytime i think about it. Love and miss you. love always and forever, your girl:)
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Oct 2, 2009 5:04 PM

Yeah Charlene, I remember. Haha.. Then I started talking to you, after he just told me he was bringing you to apple hill, and you were telling me how much you didnt like apples. Ha... After that I figured it was somethin else. Because as soon as my boss saw Anthony she had me go on lunch and it was way earlier than normal. So I figured they were teaming up. 
And Lisa, High hill is going great. Im workin full time now. But the economy is definatly takin its toll on the business there too tho. We are bringing in about a 3rd less than normal for this time of year. THey think it just might be the heat. But im just glad I have a job!! Love you Anthony & MIss you!!
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Oct 1, 2009 9:26 PM

On Monday Jack and I were sitting at the Froster Freeze eating dinner.  I was thinking so strongly that if Anthony was alive he would have been driving by in his damn truck with the stero blarring, but he would have seen me and Gpa out eatting. He would have turned around and come back to come say hello. I sure miss seeing him in town driving by. Tho I do see the shadow spirits of him traveling by.
Not sure what I will do with a tatoo; certificate.
Hi Amber I remember meeting you  as Anthony was trying to score points with you by showing how cool he was with being there with his Gma....What a con he was...lol..
Jack and I are off to Ice House to go camping and ride in our canoe. If we ever get out of Pollock Pines....lol
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 26, 2009 3:20 AM

Lord, I miss my son so much these days. Please help us make it through to the other end of this life. Please help us to see the good that you are working through this devastation. The days seem to be long and exhausting and the nights seem to be so difficult again. I miss Anthony's laugh and I miss his playful ways. I miss the way he moved and I miss his phone calls. I miss his voice and I miss his hugs. I miss sharing my life with him and I miss hearing how is days are going. I miss hearing about his growth and I miss hearing about his struggles. I miss everything about him and I miss the way our lives were when he was here. Please help our family; we all miss him and we all carry around this hole in our hearts. Please be with me in the upcoming days as I develop my new talk for the women's retreat. Please give me the right words that will bring you glory and honor and also allow me to share in an incredible way that truly honors Anthony. That would have made him proud. Please hug my son real tight and tell him how much his mom misses him and loves him with all of her heart. Thank you that this love will never end...because love is stronger than death. Thank you that Anthony touched so many people while he lived and even in his death. Thank you that you are teaching me so many important things through this. Thank you for the almost 24 years that you blessed my life with Anthony and for the many ways he continues to shine and the many ways he has and is making me a stronger and better person. Please tell him I love him with all of my heart. In Jesus name, Amen :)
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 26, 2009 3:09 AM

Hi Amber, The feeling is mutual...we love you and still like to think of you as my daughter (in-law)..we came close didn't we? You don't have to be sorry. We all have had a difficult time and each person's grief is different. The most important thing is that you are getting through in a healthy way. I know how difficult that phone call was to make because I know how difficult it was to receive that call. Thank you however for knowing how important it was to call me. I would not have wanted to find out some other way or even so much longer than it took for the police to arrive at my house. You will always hold a special place in all of our hearts. How is the job on apple hill going? Tonight I ran into an old friend, Kim Rice. We were best friends for a very long time in high school and after. We certainly had some fun days in our past. I have been trying to find her for a very long time. She was one of my friends that decorated my hospital room when Anthony was born. I told her the news and naturally my eyes welled up with tears. She couldn't believe it...it is very hard to believe. Tonight I picked up Mitch and Ryan from the movies and after putting away some groceries I went out to the garage to fold some laundry and found Mitch in the garage crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said, "I'm just thinking about stuff, Grandma Matty and Anthony". This just affects so many people so deeply. I am hurting again as well. I am experiencing what is called "The Ambush". It's that wave of sadness that just comes with no warning and no particular reason. So many memories, so many good days with Anthony. Somehow I know that we will continue on this journey even on the difficult days. Amber, It really makes my heart happy to know that you are doing good..Anthony would have wanted that for you.
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Sep 25, 2009 11:53 PM

I agree with you on that one Lisa. He did think he was invincible and he some how got me to start believing he was also. I have said that ever since he died. I just wanted to say I love you and I am sorry I wasnt there like we talked about before! About the 2 most important women in his life at that time helping eachother get thru it. It didnt happen like I had pictured! But then again I guess I dealt with it different than ANY one thought I would, even myself! But I am here 100%  now and I love all of you guys! And thank you guys for being there 4 me as much as I let everyone. I guess I wasnt the easiest person to help cuz I wouldnt except it. ANd I do have to say that making that call to you was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and probably ever will do! Love you guys! ANd I always miss and love you ANthony!!!
Je$$!c@Jessica Yip

Sep 25, 2009 11:53 PM

Hi Brother, its been a while... but I wanted you to know that ur on my mind today.  =)  I'm going to Kady's b-day party on Saturday, and I know you'll be there too.  Well, you'd better be there... or I'll eat your piece of cake!  Love you!
DANK.SMASH

Sep 25, 2009 4:20 AM

just want to tell you i love you sooooo freaking much tony face!
Acey

Sep 24, 2009 5:04 AM

Lisa and Charlene, I am with you in the grief and in the hope and everything in between.  There is no right or wrong time frame to feel any particular way or another.. I don't think it will ever stop hurting.  There are just some days that we function well, other days in between and some days that it all comes crashing back like a ton of bricks. 
Charlene, I am so glad that you got one of my shirts.  I think it is great that you won that tattoo too.  I am glad the 'attacks' didn't turn into anything more... maybe just to bring the tattooed EMS guy to you, as another 'hello' from your Grandson.  There were a lot of great people at Kacie's Ride this year, including you.  I was so glad to see you.  Last year when they dedicated the ride to Andrew, well I guess it was the beginning of a path for me to follow, since i was so lost without him.  Andrew's way of letting me help others in some way.  They are stuck with me now.  I hope some of Anthony's friends will come out next year.  ANyways, lots of love to you!
Merrily
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Sep 24, 2009 5:04 AM

Im just gettin ready for bed and wanted to say i love you and miss you. And i hope your doing better Lisa. Ive been havin a lil bit of a hard time lately too.
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 24, 2009 5:04 AM

Hi Anthony, Well the days keep rolling by. I'm working almost full time now (two part time jobs at the church) combined with Bible Study and Grief Share and being a wife and mom and I must say that I feel exhausted. I received a letter from Ryan yesterday. He sounds very good and is probably going to be transferred sometime soon. I got an email from Gloria. The court date scheduled on Oct. 15th will most likely be continued again. Will this ever get moving? The boys continue to do well in school and Gary is doing good. We all continue to miss you like crazy. Last night while I was driving home from work, there must have been a shooting on Mission because they had the yellow tape blocking off a section. Christian who drove past a little later than I did saw them carrying out a body bag. When he told me, it hit me harder than usual. I knew that someone's night was going to be devastating...just as it has been for us. I did say a prayer for that family and did so again today. There is a new Christian song out that says, "Everyone is just a phone call away from falling to their knees". Boy how true that is. You never really think it can happen to you and when it does, it's just so difficult. I know you thought you were invincible and I think I thought you were too. I guess I just never thought it would ever come to this. I sure do miss you Anthony. I keep listening to your voice on your cell phone. I don't think I will ever forget your voice. I love you. 
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Sep 20, 2009 2:08 AM

So another part of my story on the day of Kacies ride, We walked into the building and bought Raffel tickets. I looked at Jack and said wow I would really like to win one of Merrilees Tye dye shirts. so during the raffeling off of everything our name was drawn and guess what, I won one of the shirts, and after I loose 10pounds it will look great!!!! I normaly win nothing.  So we are still outside and they are pulling some really big raffel prizes, there were so "many" and we win the next raffel...I think oh my God, Anthony is still in the universe still trying to convice his gma to get a Tatoo. It was a gift certificate for a $300 Tatoo......Well Thanks Anthony on that gift, still not sure that you are going to convince me to get a Tatoo.! Ya little shit.  
Later in the evening we are sitting at home , after our awsome day. WAtching tv. and suddenly I am sick, enough to call 911. heart rate has dropped to 36 and I am going in and out of the attacks as I am calling them, I am in Ambulance and Nick asked what we did for the day. I told him the above story and said well we are just not tatoo old people.....but all my kids are. Then he told me he knew of the accident, and he said I should go and do it.....he had them all over back shoulders legs I just could not see them because he did not want the public he works with to be uncomfortable.  I think Anthony again was at work.....Again the little shit....can you just see him smiling down with that look.
We never did find out why the 36 heart rate and attacks, I was released and just told to follow up with my other doctors. I seem to be just fine in that area.
I too ,Lisa ,feel like I am just falling apart.  I am sure it has not help with the stress that is coming to a head in our marriage right now. It seems very hard at times to be able to hold ourselves together and even more it seems strange that I still am.  Reaching out for help, and making sure it is not just emotional, is really all we can do. 
I
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 18, 2009 4:29 AM

Well, I have hit a road block on this journey. Normally the roller coaster ride has its up and has its downs but I find myself in a longer than usual downward slope. I went back to Grief Share tonight so that is a good thing. Last night I had the worse dream. I drove up north for a court date that I wasn't told about. I arrived an went into the court room but noone could see or hear me. I kept listening to the judge and all of the people talking but noone could hear me. Next a looked up and saw Melissa with a guy and playing with a baby. I watched her for a very long time and tried with all of my might to speak but my words disappeared into thin air as everyone carried on with the conversations. Suddenly I  woke up with this wave of emotions to untangle for the remainder of the night. I find myself missing Anthony so much but it feels like I should be so much further than this. I guess grief has no time frame or barriers. It is like an unwanted house guest that never leaves. Tonight at grief share I stared at the book and thought, "Wow, I have so many books at home that I purchased simply because I wanted to read them. This (griefshare book) has found its way into my collection and it's a book that I didn't ever want to own. Lord please help me through this time. I know that you are doing something in my life, just right now...it feels awful. Gary and the boys have been wonderful. Tonight when I came home, I found that Gary and the boys had spent the evening cleaning..even the bathrooms that are long overdue as I'm working so many hours now. Shawn has been very sick all week but starting to show signs of improvement. Me? I'm going to a doctor very soon to see if there is something other than a broken heart going on. Maybe hormones are out of whack, maybe thyroid, maybe, maybe, maybe.
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Sep 15, 2009 2:59 PM

On sept 12,09, I woke up and shortly after, I could hear the rummble from all the motor bikes going on up the freeway, every 10min or so 25 or more bikes roared past.  For approx a hour they traveled up thier route over the mountain and then south and then back down the mountain.  I had wished that Anthony could have gone with them. It reminded me of Anthony.  You see this was Kacie's Ride for Hope. Met her brother Pat in the grief group  that I go to. They were doing thier fourth year raising money for Domestic Violance. Which is about when Pat's sister died.  There must have been at least 500 bikes.  As they finished riding on up the hill, Jack and I got ready to roll on down the hill to go to thier finial place, in Diamond Springs at the fire department.  Where they had a live band, all you could eat of great BarBQ, so many raffel iteams they even ran out of time to try and get to them all given out. All donated. www.kaciesrideforhope.com is a place to go to read all about the ride, for next year of corse....I was happy to have Jack going with me.  We sat with many new friends that I have met threw the great grief group I go too. Suddlen Lose Group, Placerivlle. I met one lady named Liz talking to Earling the person who started the group.
As we drove down the hill the skys were full of rain clouds, and lightning was over the valley. I thought of the family hoping that they had enjoying thier day at a air force base watching a show. In spite of some rain, It was a beautiful day, for a ride. Thought of all my family hoping they were all enjoying the great day.
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Sep 14, 2009 4:00 AM

Oh Lisa you make my heart cry......And I hope you do know that you are not alone in the fact that, yes alot of us wish we could go back to our old life. the old normal. It seems tho as I get older some of the tuff valleys that I have to muck threw make that pretty mountain look good for I have met so many wonderful people on the way to the top. I certainly hope I do not reach that spot however anytime soon. I don't think I have got the circle of all the dots meeting as of yet. To many wonderous dots. Dots are moments in our lives that we do not know will be connected to another moment in our lives. People we meet in one place that either connect later or are connected with our family that we never even knew they knew the people we know....It continues to amaze me....And then There was Kassey's Ride Sept 12 that was a very special day, ending very strange indeed.
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 14, 2009 12:28 AM

Hi Anthony, Well today has been another emotional day. I don't know, they just seem to sneak in and hit me when I'm not expecting them. I went to church and the music just both encouraged me as well as made me realize again just how hard life can be...especially since you've been gone. The words in one song said something about that God never promised that the cross wouldn't be heavy but He did promise to never leave us. The next verse was about going through the fire (storms) and yet we never walk a single step alone. I just miss the way my life used to be. I know deep inside that God is doing something good through all of this but at face value, I just loved my life so much when you were here. It seems like I could handle things better then. Now anything, an argument with Gary, a messy house, a long work week, the 'sassyness' of your brothers (from time to time)...so many things just trigger this pain inside and in no time, I'm crying again. Common sense tells me this experience will and is making me stronger but I never signed up for 'stronger'...not like this. I went to Women of Faith conference this weekend and while I always love the conference, I found myself saying over and over...you don't know my story, you don't know what it's like to lose a child that is such a profound part of my life...and yet all along I know that Jesus knows how this hurts. I also know that others know this pain and that I'm really not alone...not ever.
I think if I could have one wish Anthony, I'd ask to spend one day with you to make sure that you are absolutely ok. I'd make sure that you know just how very much I love you and just how very proud you have made me. I know that this desire is something that I can never have, not at least until I get to Heaven and I know that you would want all of us to keep living our lives to the best of our ability and we will. I just miss everything about you.
It seems clear to me that you shine brighter now than you ever have before. Tha
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Sep 9, 2009 12:08 AM

Yeah i remember everything about anthony! Sometimes it seems like a curse but i know its not! And i remember when he got that music box. He was tryin to be sneaky and have one of the boys distract you so you wouldnt see cuz he said you would tell him not to buy you anything. I am glad he did and that you have that treasure! I think of that trip to san fransisco all the time. My mom once asked me, amber where did your smile go? And then outta the blue one day she said Amber i found it! And pulled out a picture of me that anthony took of me while we were in san fran and i started bawlin. Cuz it was the truth. But i got my smile back now i think. I love you too Lisa i thank you for bein so awesome and treatin me so good. You are an amazing person and anthony was proud to call you his mother!
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Sep 9, 2009 12:08 AM

Hey Anthony! If you come on back I'll take you to Hawaii with me!!! Just you and me. Man I can see you there with all the babe's. I am sure they would drive you nuts.....You just would not know which way to look to get the most of "the LOOK' in. You could snorkle, I am sure you could find a partner in the deep water. Myself I have to stay in the knee deep stuff. Could go to the North Shore and see how many times you stay on the surf board...bet it would be how many times you fall off that would win the race...Damn sure wish we could do that.  You were for sure a funny kid to go places with.  Lance can remind me sometimes of you and your likenesses and humor. He is fun to go places too. A trusting kid so shadow him a bit if you can.  The void sucks. I does not seem as if it has closed up much. And so many things sneek into that void and creat havic....Upppp Uppp you are truly, Fucking, missed....Love from Gma Charlene
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 7, 2009 6:30 PM

Good Morning and Happy Labor Day! Thanks Amber for your posts. You are right...Anthony told us when he was home that his favorite thing was his coffee and morning smoke. I can see everything about him out on my patio...the way he held his coffee cup and the way he held his cigarette. Remember when you were here last time and we all sat out on the patio. He always took a long hit right in front of me trying to get me to join him...it didn't work. In Oct. I will have been off cigarettes for 3 years but there were many mornings that we sat out there together before I quit. I miss everything about Anthony. I can just picture him trying to flip the cigarette into his mouth over and over again until he got it. I can remember scolding him for inhaling the fluid from his lighter and then creating a flame when he held the lighter in front of his mouth. The days and weather seem to hold so many memories of him. Lately I've noticed that when I'm almost asleep at night going through the thoughts of the day, the thought will sneak in that "Anthony's gone" and my heart will just sink and then I can't go to sleep anymore. I hate it. I replayed the whole day that we spent in San Francisco together. That was such a fun day. Amber remember the calamari and how Anthony kept letting the tenticles hang from his mouth. Remember how mad he was at the cop who tried to come onto you? I'll always remember and treasure the musical box that he gave me. It's sitting on the mantle in my living room and I realize that God had His hand on that gift for me. The words on the front say, "Mom, All the things you have done-the nights you stayed awake, to make it better when it was wrong-you did it for my sake. God gave me the dearest Mother and whether I'm near or far, I'll cherish you Mom forever, Because love is what you are! How priceless and special that gift is to me. I love you Anthony and I love you Amber. Never forget that!
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Sep 7, 2009 6:15 PM

Good morning. Im sittin here drinkin a cup of coffee smokin a cigarette which i dont do every mornin anymore. But it reminds me of you everytime i do. I just remember you always sayin that was your favorite thing to do in the mornin. When you worked early in the mornin i would wake up just before you left so that i could go have a cup of coffee and a smoke with you before you left. Our daily morning routine. And god do i miss it! Well now im gettin ready for work and just wanted to have my coffee and cigarette with you today. I love and miss you! :) love always and forever your girl, Amber
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Sep 6, 2009 11:12 PM

I have just been thinkin about you more than usual which is ALOT! And wanted to stop and say i love you! And miss you!
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 6, 2009 5:05 AM

Hi Anthony, Thinking about you so much today. I spent the morning remembering so many fun days that we had. I went to Stater Bros. and remembered how you used to throw all of the strawberry roll-up 'twinkie' things in my cart when I wasn't looking and then you came home at ate 2 boxes by yourself...actually you left one in the box for anyone else who might want one. I also remember how fun it was to walk through the store with you. Remember when I would try to hold your hand (like when I did when you were little) and you would just give me that look. You were always so fun to be around...you could make even grocery shopping fun. I also remember when 9-1-1 happened and I ran into your room to wake you. I said, "Anthony wake up...USA is under attack". You abruptly said, "Get out, I'm still sleeping". Court is starting back up in October and it seems to be stirring so many emotions all over again. The sad reality is that when all of this is over...you'll still be gone. I hate having court about you only you're not there. I remember how cute you used to look (even in your orange jumpsuit). Remember when you lifted your leg to show me how funny your jelly shoes were. I would give anything to go back to any of those days. I miss you Anthony so very much. Gma Linda called this morning a little emotional because she also just plain misses you. Ryan wrote me a letter today. He is going back to the past recalling some of the things that you shared together. I know his heart is broken, yet he sounds like real growth is taking place in his life. Sometimes when Christian laughs, he sounds just like you. It makes me smile. I don't usually say anything to him because I just want him to be Christian, nevertheless he does remind me of you so much. I am really proud of the boys and I know you would be to. We are looking at colleges for Shawn for Sept. So hard to believe...time just flies by. Danny and Mitch will be getting their permit's soon (scarry) :) I have been asked to speak at
✠M@ri@nN✠Mariann RYan

Sep 4, 2009 3:12 PM

Hello Lisa?

They have a Very Special Meaning...... When Tony and I where dating he would page me on my Beeper/pager (lol those are so old now) every Morning & Night with that

823= Thinking of You
143= I Love You
77= Anthony and Mariann (we both have 7 letters in are name) 

This code i guess u would call it was something that just stuck with us, so i continue to use it because its just 1 of many Special Memories i will Never Forget 

Love ya too
Lisalisa patterson

Sep 3, 2009 4:39 AM

Happy Belated 25th Birthday son! Thank you Charlene and Amber for posting for me on Anthony's birthday. I can't believe that my router went out the night before. Anyways, we got through the day and spent so much of it, actually all of it remember you Anthony. I woke up not quite sure what I wanted to do. One of my friends told me that on her late husband's birthday, she likes to do something nice for someone on that day. I wasn't quite sure what or who I would do something for so I left it up to God. I drove the work to pick up my check and walked right by a homeless lady sitting on the curb. I smiled and said 'good morning' and then got in my car to drive away. Then I realized that she was someone I could do something nice for. We talked for a while and we ended up having lunch together. I felt blessed because that was totally something that I could see Anthony doing. Next I went grocery shopping and began to feel a little sad again because running erands was not what I wanted to do on your birthday. When I got home, I noticed a package on the door step. Johnny and Rachel sent me an awesome gift. It was all of the comments your family and friends wrote at your memorial service. I spent the next few hours curled up on my bed crying and laughing as I went through every page. Thanks Johnny and Rachel! That was very special. Next Kevin (Anthony's best friend) and his wife and daughter came over and had dinner with us. I made your favorite...spaghetti. I really enjoyed visiting with them and Kevin just makes me laugh with all of his memories and he even reminds me of you..tough on the outside..a teddy bear on the inside. All in all it was a good day. However, the next day was rough. I woke up feeling very emotional. Not sure why that happens that way. I think once the day ends, the next day is just a reminder, you're not here and it hurts. I miss you and love you soooo much! Hope you had the best birthday ever!
CassieCassie martin

Sep 1, 2009 11:49 PM

happy birthday tony.... i hope your celebrating just as we all are down here. we love you and miss you more and moree everyday. love always cassie'
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Aug 31, 2009 11:20 PM

Happy birthday! Your mom also wanted me to wish you happy birthday and tell you that she loves and misses you. Her computer is broken so she cant do it herself. Im gonna make today a happy day cuz i know if you were still here it woulda been a good day:) but i love and miss you and am always thinkin of you.
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Aug 31, 2009 11:20 PM

Happy Birthday Anthony. Today of all days my computer is down and a new part is being sent. So I asked Gma Charlene to post for me.  I will miss being able to call you and talk to you on your birthday. I can remember when I went up North for your birthday and you took myself and Ryan to South TAhoe for lunch. And you insisted on buying our lunch on your birthday. My mind can remember your face and voice as you told me You were happy to buy me lunch it was a great gift for you.  I so remember the day you were born. I shall live so many memories in my mind today and wish you were still with us all. Have a Happy DAy being safe where you are and knowing that in our hearts alot of us are thinking of you. Love you always, Mom
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Aug 31, 2009 11:20 PM

We shall miss the party that Anthony would have wanted on his birthday....anything involving food...And lots of it. Forever in our minds. Tho I was not around for his birth. Not knowing it was even taking place till 18 months later. I sure do feel lucky I had my young man in my life for the years I did have.  Very Much a part of my life. Wishing I could say Happy Birthday, Anthony. Lovingly from Gma Charlene
A~TrAiN

Aug 31, 2009 11:19 PM

Well today you would have turned 25... well it would have been debateable on the date for us anyway... lol Surprisingly I'm not really sad today, just blessed with happy memories : ) I miss you and love you... Happy Birthday Anthony!
~Miranda~

Aug 31, 2009 11:19 PM

Happy Birhday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Anthony, Happy Birthday to you!!!!  We love love love you and miss you like mad!!!1 Aunt and Blake
Kayla Kayla Braswell

Aug 31, 2009 11:18 PM

Happy Birthday Anthony!!! Maybe I'll get some shoes today
✠M@ri@nN✠Mariann RYan

Aug 31, 2009 3:48 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!! 823*143*77
CharleneCharlene emlayjr

Aug 28, 2009 12:22 AM

Anthony will forever stay young to our eyes. Even when we are looking in the mirror and saying. Hey where did that nose hair come from....we will think of him with the young face....AT times when I think of his father RAy...I think how unfair it seems that he could not see his sister's with wrinkles, tho I am thinking they are thinking hey "WHAT WRINKLES?" NOw myself in the past 18 years, and one year sence Anthonys I have not aged a day. Actually I have learned so much in my past 18 years I am happy to be here to enjoy all the great moments we all share even tho some of those we love have been taken from us it seems to soon. I have to say I have enjoy the story.....Love from Gma Charlene
Lisalisa patterson

Aug 26, 2009 2:46 AM

yeah Amber :) I am so glad that you will be working there the year. I agree with you that there may be some down days but always allow the good days to come as well. You'll find that there are many of them. You and Anthony had some wonderful time together and I'm praying that those memories will be what keeps you going. Anthony would want you to be happy and he would want you to enjoy your life. I am here for you anytime that you want to just talk.
You are very special to our family and we all love you.
For those of you who are interested in what is going on in the court stuff; there is a court date this Friday, 8/28. It is at 1:30 in D3-S. Lake Tahoe. I received an email today to confirm that the DA will be appearing via a conference call. I assume that means she will be heard and visible via some sort of screen or tv. Because the MATE team has not submitted their final report yet they will not be ready to move forward as of yet. Even if the report arrives sometime this week, both DA and defense will need time to go over the report. I will keep everyone posted when information arrives.
If any of you can go to support our family that would be great. Charlene attends a support group that strongly believe someone should be at all the dates. Whoever can, great...if you can't...no worries. :)
Wow, the 31st is right around the corner. It would have been Anthony's 25th birthday. If he were here, we'd both kid each other about how 'old' that seems. Because he's not here, I realize 25 is very young; much to young to not be here with all of us :(
Love you all. If anyone has any ideas of what to do on the 31st to keep that day special I'd love to hear. I'm not sure what I'll do but would like to plan something.
~*AmBeR * DaWn*~Amber Estep

Aug 26, 2009 1:35 AM

So today i found out that i am going to be workin yet another year at high hill ranch. The place where we met and it always starts on your birthday. Or very close to it. Last year i started on your birthday 2 weeks after you died and it was one of the hardest days ever! And i just wasnt doing so good last year. This year i hope will bring back all the good memories that we had at high hill instead of it just reminding me that you are no longer here with us. Im excited to be able to work at one of our favorite places again. Even tho im sure i will have my bad days hopefully i have more good days this year than last. I love and miss you more everyday! Love always and forever your girl, Amber <3
Lisalisa patterson

Aug 25, 2009 3:35 AM

Hi Anthony. This month is full of you...everything about it reminds me of you. Today I took Shawn, Christian and Danny to the beach for the day. We had a great time. We spent some time reminiscing over past days with you and I really enjoyed our time together. On the 31st, we would have celebrated your 25th birthday. I'm not sure what we will do that day but we will make it a special day.
Gma Charlene, I hope your trip to Frisco brought some good memories along the way. I prayed that you would find something good in all of it. You're right, Anthony loved Frisco. I'm so glad that the boys and I enjoyed that day together and also glad that my parents enjoyed their time with Anthony there. I think my two most favorite places in the whole world are San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. I guess that's no surprise of why. I look forward to being able to visit both places more times in the future. I would love to annually be part of your camping trip.
Court is on the 28th. As far as I know this date is a date to set more dates. Do you know if anyone is going? I'll keep you posted if I hear anything new.
Today I sent Ryan some of Anthony's letters that he wrote to Ryan in the past. I already see growth in Ryan and I'm praying that he will make the right decision of going into the Salvation Army when he gets out. I miss Ryan alot these days. I know that he misses us and also misses his big brother very much.
Much love to all of you and much love to you Anthony James...all of my love to you :)
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